Eco Child’s Play

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This post reflects on the second week of my seven-part “Healthy Children, Healthy Planet” curriculum, a fantastic discussion group by the Northwest Earth Institute.

You’ve probably met some of these folks before: The mother who so desires a Martha Stewart-worthy Easter that she purchases an egg decorating kit far too complicated for the children and ends up decorating the eggs by herself. The parents who witness their children getting increasingly unappreciative as they open one holiday gift after another. The child who fusses about having to participate in a family dinner until the whole idea of family meals is abandoned.

These folks were all featured in this week’s reading, and they prompted lively discussion among the group’s participants. The truth is, I’ve seen each of these dramas in my own home. Other parents have struggled with similar issues. We also know the loss that comes — a kind of vague dismay, a sense that something just isn’t quite right — from abandoning family ritual.

It often strikes me how often we parents use the words “I want to give my child…” I understand the sentiment. As parents, we want to give our children everything they need. Through all of human history, it’s that impulse that has kept children safe, has helped them to grow up healthy and strong. And in 21st century America, we want to give them all the “advantages” we can.

They want to take skating lessons? Sure. To participate in the school play? Of course — who would deny that opportunity? A playdate with a best friend? Absolutely. They want to learn to ski, to dance, to play instruments, to dribble a basketball, to score higher on the SATs. And we want these things for them. Unfortunately, on our attempts to make our children’s lives as enriching as possible, other things get sacrificed: family ritual is one of them.

That’s a huge thing to lose. According to William Doherty, author of Take Back Your Kids, ritual is the glue of family life. Rituals offer a sense of order and predictability. They offer a connection, and a sense of being part of a family. They are a chance to act out particular values, and to make a child aware that he or she is part of something bigger than him or herself.

Sure, my own daughter is proud when she masters a new trail on the ski slope. She loves knowing the answers at school. But after we delivered Meals on Wheels as a family? I saw a sense of groundedness and pride that outweighed anything I’ve ever seen from a “personal” achievement.

If our discussion was any indication, kids will resist the family ritual at first, citing any number of things that are more “important” than a family dinner, or a visit with relative, or a holiday tradition that focuses more on meaning than on material good. But after a while, they will become participants themselves — blowing out the candle at the end of a Shabbat dinner, building a stronger relationship with a grandparent, learning to prepare a new food, lending a hand to help a younger sibling or cousin. From that, they will gain a sense of connectedness and pride.

Our children have been turned into consumers by a wider society. But what we realized as we sat around the room is that they don’t have to be consumers within the family. They don’t get to choose only the parts of family life that appeal to them. They’re not just consumers, after all — they are still children, with lessons still to be learned, and values that need to be imparted. Family ritual can be a part of that.

Healthy Children, Healthy Planet is just one of many discussion courses offered by the Northwest Earth Institute.

Previous posts on this series:

Healthy Children, Healthy Planet Week One