The Best Helping Hand a Mother Can Have
Recently, we’ve received a lot of information on products claiming to be great parental substitutes to compensate when mothers feel guilty for having to leave their anxious babies. These range from stuffed animals with beating hearts to literally, a stuffed hand called Zaky.
The greatest concern for me personally is that these objects may be misconstrued as a replacement for a live human, and there is not a good alternative to having a consistent mothering person available as often as possible in the first year of a child’s development.
While it may not be possible for a parent to stay home with the child at all times, there are other options:
- If you or your partner cannot afford to take time off of work or work from home to be with your child, you are certainly not alone, but several employers may be willing to work with you to telecommute a couple of days a week. This not only helps reduce the cost of daycare but also give you more time with your new baby.
- Hiring a nanny is the next best option, although it is also expensive to have full time private care. By having one other person fully focused on caring for the baby, the child is allowed to feel merged with the mother and father in the morning and evenings and isn’t jarred when he/she is left in the hands of a familiar nanny, who acts as a stand-in “mothering person.”
- If daycare is the only option for you once your child is old enough, then make sure that you take into account the ratio of daycare helpers to students. A good rule of thumb is three children per day care helper so that you know your child is not being neglected during the day and is getting enough personal attention.
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You may wonder way this is so important? Early research suggests that children who feel merged with their 
parents and comfortable in their environments (meaning that all of their needs - feeding, cuddling, sleeping, changing) are being met within a reasonable time and well enough) have a heightened capacity for learning. They feel comfortable enough to explore their environment and their own impulses, which is crucial to their development.
When its time, children will choose an inanimate object to comfort them - if you are a parent, I guarantee one of your children has a blankie or special stuffed animal that he/she clings to. This is commonly referred to as a transitional object and usually comes into play once your child is a toddler. In order for an object to be a transitional object and serve its’s purpose as that, your child must choose it and have complete control over it. It is usually a lifelike or soft object, not for example a plastic toy or pacifier.
According to popular theory, the transitional object serves as an outlet for your child to express feelings of love, frustration and anger. It gives him/her the ability to control something when they cannot control the fact that their parents are leaving to go out. The range for a transitional object is usually 9 mos to 8 years old. Once children enter first or second grade, peer pressure typically encourages them to give up the object (of course, I still have my blankie in the closet. So, it doesn’t mean that sentimentality doesn’t keep it around). Children will, however, lose the demand to have to have it to face the world. Once your child develops and chooses his/her own transitional object, allowing them “control” over that object, gives them a healthy outlet for any frustration and anxiety, but pre-selecting an object defeats the purpose.
While you may have the best intentions buying your children substitute comforters, the best way to assuage any childhood anxiety is to try to meet their needs the best that you can given your time restraints and financial limitations. The Zaky may have some excellent credentials behind it, but recall the Harlow Monkey trials, which showed that an inanimate mother (in this case, a stuffed mother with a bottle) was not a good substitute for a real mother. All of the babies nursed on the fake mothers failed to develop a proper capacity for attachment.
Please note that the timelines described above are a general guideline. All children develop at their own pace.
While your broad point about the value of attachment parenting is well-taken (and even shared by this commenter!), I think you might want to consider the reality of child care options available to working parents these days. Sure, a nanny is great, but, as you point out, they can be prohibitively expensive. Some folks are lucky enough to be able to “share” a nanny with another family and split the expense.
Good luck finding a daycare with a 1:3 infant ratio. And if you do find one, good luck affording it without taking out a second mortgage on your home. Using language like “neglect” does no one any good - least of all moms (especially new ones!) who may be struggling as it is with the decision to leave their child in day care. Even under the best of circumstances, it is a hard thing to do, but for many families there is no choice. Further, even when there is a choice, for many more families it is the right choice for mom and dad to both work outside the home.
All parents want their children to receive quality and nurturing care. The best way to determine this is to spend time with the caregivers and see how they handle the needs and demands of (multiple) children. There are nannies of one child who are far less nurturing than some day care teachers who have 4 babies in their charge.
Just curious: how many children do you have?
-A proud parent of a very secure, well-attached toddler who’s experienced a variety of care arrangements (mom, dad, grandparents, group daycare) in his 17 months…and who seems to have no use for any inanimate attachment objects.
Hi Jenn,
You are actually in one of the most fortunate circumstances if you have been able to have the grandparents help out. And, you are correct - most people cannot afford to take time off, work from home, hire a nanny, enroll their children in private daycare, have their parents watch the kids…several day cares offer monitoring services now though so that moms can log on and watch from home.
We currently have five children under 5 years old in my family and each one has had a different experience with grandparents being a key resource. This post is certainly not intended to further overwhelm new mothers - just to warn against the fallacies that an object will in some way comfort an anxious child.
One more disclaimer that I should have included - these are psychological theories and principals backed by research. This does not mean that every child will develop at the same rate and share the same habits. Not all children develop the need for a transitional object, but it is a very, very common occurrence and has nothing to do with parenting skills. Children are extremely resilient in development especially if they have the ability to merge and bond with one of their parents.
Interaction cannot be replaced by a stuffed hand.
I completely agree that “Interaction cannot be replaced by a stuffed hand.” However, you spend fully one-third or more of your article talking about child-care arrangements - not about inanimate objects.