Eco Child’s Play

There are many challenges that stay-at-home dads face. It should go without saying that one of the major battles is keeping one’s self-esteem and confidence high when societal norms have typically only allowed for women to be the primary caretakers of children. Many people still feel that this is the case.

As one father told me just weeks after my own daughter was born, “You have to realize, Levi, you really aren’t that important in the first year. It’s all about mom.” Of course, it makes sense that the bond between mother and baby should be stronger initially than that between the father and baby. As a father, you have not had your child growing inside you and using your body as his or her source of nourishment and as his or her protective home. But I still wonder, is it really fair to say that the first year is all about mom? And what does this mean for stay-at-home dads?

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For starters, I don’t think that any dads should buy into the argument that they are not important in the first year. If you are a stay-at-home dad, it becomes increasingly important that you value your role, especially if you and your partner have chosen to breastfeed your baby. I can only speak from my own experience, but I doubt that I am the only stay-at-home dad who has encountered problems when it comes to this important aspect of your child’s life. While breastfeeding no doubt has its benefits, it can also make your life as a stay-at-home dad a gigantic disappoint at times and a major pain in the butt.

I’d like to share some of my own experiences, thoughts, and tips with you. I think that despite the frustrations, if you as a dad are able to work out an arrangement with your partner, then the benefits of choosing to breastfeed your baby are still greater than the costs.

The Logistical and Emotional Challenges of Breastfeeding for Stay-at-Home Dads

If you are a stay-at-home dad, then most likely your wife or partner will be back to work after the first three months of your new baby’s life. If she has been breastfeeding your baby, then she will either have to pump her milk so that you can freeze it or give it to your baby in bottles. She might need to come home or meet you somewhere else to nurse your child.

In our case, we were lucky that my wife’s schedule as a researcher was flexible. Nonetheless, on numerous occasions my daughter suffered because my wife could not get home in time, or pump a bottle of milk before hand. Dealing with these situations is difficult as a stay-at-home dad. Before your baby can eat solids, you are really stuck with milk. If you are not using formula, then you are out of luck and will have to struggle to find ways to soothe your baby, who will most likely be crying incessantly for her milk.

It is disappointing to have this happen, because regardless of your valiant efforts to help your baby you will feel like you have failed once mom arrives home and your baby clings to her for comfort. It becomes easy to question how important your role is as a parent, and even wonder if you aren’t that important in the first year, as the other dad told me.

One way to distract yourself in this situation is to follow some of fellow Eco Child’s Play dad Derek Markham’s tips for helping your partner to have a comfortable breastfeeding experience.

Probably the worst potential frustration of breastfeeding though is how even though you are the primary caretaker of your child, your baby might still prefer mom’s comforting arms and presence over yours. Around eight months my wife’s milk began to dry up, and so we gradually switched to giving our daughter formula. Several weeks ago, after my wife had just weaned our daughter, our daughter developed a strong case of mommyitus (the desire to only be held by mom and be around mom at all times).

When you have every tool at your disposal (including milk), give your child loads of love, and are the primary caretaker of your baby, it’s quite heartbreaking when you alone cannot make him or her happy. While I am experiencing this feeling right now myself, I keep a couple things in mind:

1) This might have happened at some point even if we had chosen not to breastfeed our daughter.

2) At some point the tables will probably turn and I will become the favorite parent of our daughter. When that happens, I will do my best to support my wife and hope that the time when our daughter favors us both equally arrives soon.

There are a few more suggestions I have for ways that you can combat the logistical and emotional challenges you might face as a stay-at-home dad with a breastfed baby. Many of these tips are also applicable to all stay-at-home fathers.

10 Tips for Stay-at-Home Dads

1. Last year both Time and Newsweek published articles about the growth of interest among men in being stay-at-home fathers. Time notes that the number of stay-at-home fathers has increased 3X over the past 10 years. Newsweek’s article I enjoyed more, especially because it talked about one particularly famous stay-at-home dad: Chris Cornell, former frontman for the bands Sound Garden and Audioslave, and a successful musician on his own as well. Next time you want to gain some cool points as a stay-at-home dad, casually mention that Chris Cornell has also been one.

2. Estimates vary, but statistics have generally put the number of stay-at-home dads in the U.S. around 200,000. Wherever you are in the world, you are a pioneer and revolutionary, my friend– remind people of that. It takes courage.

3. Realize that even though you might not be getting pleasure or convenience from breastfeeding, your partner might enjoy it and develop wonderful memories of this bonding experience with your child. Your support and willingness to take on the challenge of breastfeeding will be an appreciated gift.

4. Develop a parenting skill at which you excel tremendously over your partner or spouse. Such skills might include entertaining your baby, changing diapers/clothes, feeding your baby, and so forth. This will help you to maintain some areas of stronger bonds with your baby than your partner.

5. Communicate with your partner as to when you need a break. Many of us dads want to be superdads, but often don’t realize that taking time to rest and decompress are important. Resting and taking some time to enjoy yourself independently will help you to maintain a positive attitude and also make sure that when you spend time with your child that you are more attentive as a role model and playmate.

6. When possible, leave the strollers and baby carriers at home if you are venturing out into the world alone. Carrying your baby in your arms on trips to the park or stores will help you feel more manly, strengthen a mutual feeling of attachment between you and your baby, and will probably impress other people of what you can still accomplish while carrying around a young child. I could be wrong about this advice, but my intuition tells me I am correct.

7. If possible, maintain a part-time job (even 5-10 hours) a week so that your self-esteem will not be entirely tied into your identity as a dad (my job as a writer for Green Options fulfills this need for me). Just make sure you enjoy the job and that it’s flexible as babies and children have a certain unpredictability to them.

8. Even if you can’t have a job, continue following current events and news so that you can provide evidence to other men that myths like “when you become a parent your life is over” are bogus. While your life as a dad will change in many ways as a stay-at-home dad, in many ways it will also stay the same.

9. Don’t let anyone call you “Mr. Mom!” Why not? You are demeaning your important role as a dad if you do so, and maintaining the social norm that women only take care of children. Tell them immediately something polite like, “No, I’m Mr. Dad. You probably agree with me that dads are just important to their kids as moms are, right?”

10. Don’t tell other people that being a stay-at-home dad is wonderful. Unless you live in a Hollywood movie, I doubt the responsibility is awesome all the time. People that work hard and give a realistic description of their job from my experience generally get more respect for what they do than people who choose to make their work sound like a fantasy. And, remember, taking care of children is a job, and maybe the most important one there is!

Read More Articles for Dads from Eco Child’s Play’s Series on Breastfeeding:

• Mother’s Milk: Nurturing a Breastfeeding Mother or Nursing for New Dads
• What is a Green Room?
• Mother’s Milk Giveaway: World Breastfeeding Week

Photo Credits:

• Inferis on Flickr under a Creative Commons license
• Surekat on Flickr under a Creative Commons license
• © Alicia De la Cruz-Novey

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