From Pro-Life Feminist to Pro-Choice Mama: My Change in Beliefs
(Ready, Cate? 1. Open can of worms. 2. Dump on head.)
NPR recently reported that in some Planned Parenthood clinics, the abortion rate is up.
We’ve seen some people who said that they didn’t really think that they would ever be making this decision, but recognize that this is a time when they have to think about taking care of the families that they have.
I’ve mentioned my mama before around here. She’s the home-birthin’, articulate and soft-spoken, intelligent and wonderful mother of 6 girls. Six vocal girls.
She raised me and my sisters to be pro-life feminists. Then, when I was pregnant with my first child, I became pro-choice.
Here’s why.
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Birth is natural. Our bodies were meant to do this.
Don’t let the men of the world tell you or show you that what your body was made to do is wrong. You’re just feeding in to their chauvinism.
Men have somehow convinced women to avoid what their body naturally does. That is, carry babies and give birth. Now women are even standing up for abortion and turning away from themselves.
Ever wonder if “pro-life feminism” is an oxymoron? The way my mom taught us, it is most certainly not. She’s a religious woman, but [thankfully] never forced us into church pews any more than she forced us to agree with her beliefs. She also didn’t believe that “God punishes all women for what Eve did with the pains of childbirth.” Because frankly, natural childbirth wasn’t all that bad. (And in my experience, it’s the worst pain you’ll ever forget…quickly.) Women’s bodies were, instead, wonderfully designed to do this amazing thing: grow and provide for a baby, and then give birth.
Don’t let them take that away from you! Don’t let society tell you that it’s wrong! Don’t let them make you feel that children are an “inconvenience.”
I very much believed that, once even going so far as to write a letter to Ms. Magazine asking them to examine “Pro-Life Feminism” (they refused).
But I still agree with that. As the mother of two boys and stepmother to two girls, I believe in birth and life. But it’s just not that simple.
When I was pregnant with Little L, my older son, I left his father. After catching him with another woman (on my birthday, no less) and discovering an increasingly horrible drug problem, I called off our engagement and moved out. And once I realized that the drugs were creating violence in him, I completely cut off contact with him, even though that meant losing out on a relationship with his then-3-year-old son, who I’d cared for 4-5 days a week for two years. It was a hard choice, but my priority was keeping myself and my unborn child safe.
During my transition from engaged woman to single mama, I had a handful of awesome women to support me. When I left Little L’s father, I moved in with a dear friend, who happens to be a bit younger than my mom. Two of my sisters lived here in Virginia (the rest of my family is in the Chicago ‘burbs) and were always around. I had my natural midwife, who very holistically asked me about my mental state and how I was adjusting every time I visited her. When I started to have “cramps” from the stress of the changes, I began to see a therapist, also a woman. I rented a house and moved in with another single mother and her young daughter. I became friends with the Pastry Chef at the resort hotel where I worked, who admired my supposed “strength” and was endlessly encouraging. Every time I needed someone to talk to, there was someone there. To help, to listen. I could pick up the phone and vent to any sister, and when I didn’t, they’d call me.
I was going to be a mother. Alone, which I had not planned. But everywhere I turned, I had support.
I know it sounds contradictory: “keeping my unborn child safe”, while becoming pro-choice. It happened out of nowhere, and was a surprise to even me.
At some point, I realized that most women don’t have to be thrown against a wall during pregnancy. Most don’t have a table thrown at them and duck while covering the belly. Of course, as a feisty feminist, I knew this was not “normal” and got out before it became regular behavior.
But I also knew that most women do not have the support network that I had at hand. Most women overall, not just pregnant women in bad situations. If another woman were in my situation, pregnant, how could I ask her to carry the child? That was my choice, yes. But would my choice be different if I had no one?
I felt Little L move very early for a first pregnancy (12 weeks). I am thankful for him every day. I was thankful for him every day that I was a single mom, too. No matter how I struggled at times. But Little L and I had incredible people in our lives. People who babysat for free so I could work. People who bought us loads of clothes or sent us Whole Foods gift cards. People who thought about what we needed and gave and gave and gave, without us ever asking.
Most women—most poor families—do not have that.
How can we ask women to stay safe, protect the children they have, and leave a bad relationship without support? How can policymakers simultaneously rail against abortion while cutting funding for food stamps or TANF or proposing “welfare reform”?
I don’t think we as a society can. Look critically at your beliefs, especially if you don’t agree with me. Work hard to provide for the life around you. Work to help those with less. Especially in this economy.
If you are against abortion, ensure that the multitudes of poor women have other choices. Until there is justice and support for them, abortion must be one of those choices.
Image: Steve Rhodes on Flickr under a Creative Commons License.
I read an article a couple of days ago about how adoption is becoming non-existant. I think it said there are roughly 6000 infants put up for adoption/year. Compare that with the 4000 children aborted a day, and you really begin to get a picture of the situation.
I support adoption when it is what the pregnant woman really wants. By that, I mean that she DOES NOT want to parent regardless of her financial or marital situation. I really have a hard time supporting adoption if the mother is only giving her child up because she feels like she can’t afford to raise him.
I think we should do everything in our power to keep children with their birth parents. Adoption is a wonderful, pro-life option if someone just flat out does not want to parent, but it can easily lead to the type of things we saw over at the blog linked earlier.
I don’t know if I’m explaining thigns well, but I’ll give an example from pop-culture to try to help.
I was against Madona’s first adoption because the father was alive and in the picture. To me, it would have been better in that situation to simply give the father the resources to raise the child. I know I don’t know the whole story. Perhaps he didn’t want to raise the child and was thankful for the adoption, but to me our first goal should be to help people parent.
All of that said, I think that adoption is much more favorable than abortion. The child is given the chance of life. We need to better support birth mothers, as well as equip them to parent if they want to, but we can not focus so much on the flaws of adoption that we turn to abortion as a solution.
Lauren said: “but to me our first goal should be to help people parent.”
I don’t know about the father’s situation that you mention (I have heard about her adoption), but maybe some people don’t want to parent. Maybe some people never intended to get pregnant. And, my God, women are raped and get pregnant! So she should ruin her life and sacrifice her body because someone violently penetrated her? That is NOT Christian compassion. That’s a sickness to force that on someone.
Infanticide has always been a part of mammalian existence. It’s not a pleasant or positive side of human existence, but it’s real, nonetheless. Frankly, I’d rather see it happen to a non-viable fetus than to a child. I know it’s hard to look at the underbelly of human existence for what it is. Everyone wants to feel wanted and we want children to feel wanted. Not all of them are.
I can see taking issue with late second trimester abortions and anything beyond. But an 11 week abortion? Not even close to viable.
Placing fetal rights above the woman’s rights harms everyone. Check out the National Advocates for Pregnant Women’s web site… http://www.advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/ I’ve found it very informative.
Sara. If you openly support infanticide there is really no point in discussing the issue further with you.
Most people do not simply shrug their shoulders and accept as fact that people will kill their own children. Most people view the act as abhorant. The fact that you rationalize rampant abortion with historic infanticide does nothing to help your cause.
What makes viability hands off for abortion?
To all pro-choice commenters: Obviously, a woman who is raped or involved in incest is a different situation. I’m surprised you even bring it up as if anyone would not have compassion for those women. If abortion were made illegal, I think there should be a medical release clause for such situations IF the mother should choose that.
But, we all know that we’re not talking about those women-we’re talking about the ones who choose to have sexual relationships without thinking of the consequences and then don’t want to be ACCOUNTABLE for their choices. If there is anything that will ruin a society, it’s a lack of understanding of CHOICE AND ACCOUNTABILITY.
Of course, going through pregnancy and labor is a huge sacrifice and changes your life. And of course giving up a baby for adoption can be an extremely difficult thing to do that will cause some or much pain. But that is what it means to be accountable for your choices!
Killing someone else so you don’t have to suffer the consequences of your bad decisions is simply wrong-I think we all know that.
And Sara, I find it interesting that you put a time limit on abortion. Why are pro-life supporters criticized for imposing their beliefs on people when that is exactly what happens when anyone makes a law about WHEN a woman can get an abortion?
If you say 12 weeks, what about the woman who wants an abortion at 13 weeks? Is that really fair? And that can go on and on until birth. If you’re going to allow abortion, it has to be all the way and then suddenly we’re allowing women to kill their newborns and ANY law against murder have no relevance! If you don’t believe any woman would go that far, think again.
Actually, Sarah Palin does not believe abortion should even be allowed for women who are raped or part of incest. The story about the 9 year old Brazilian girl who got pregnant with twins by her own father is a true one. If you make it illegal period, then those women/girls have no recourse.
But then again, I am also a proponent of a three strikes rule for women who have abortions. I am sure this will get me in trouble, and I do believe in pro-choice, but I believe that if a woman has three abortions then she should lose the right to have children. Whether that be a permanent resolution or temporary I really don’t know and haven’t made up my mind about. But, if someone is so irresponsible that they get pregnant three times and have three abortions they should not have the ability to get pregnant again.
Yes, Lauren. Pro-infanticide here. Jeez.
I guess that wasn’t clear. It is abhorrent. It is awful. I would rather see it happen when a woman realizes she’s pregnant than later.
Anna, I totally disagree with your slippery slope argument that if this, then this and this, then this and OMG, dead infants! To me, it’s just not that black and white. I know people generally enjoying thinking of things in terms of black/white, right/wrong, us/them, etc. because it helps us have a sense of order to compartmentalize and polarize things.
It was already mentioned in this thread that a fetus that results from rape or incest deserves love like any other fetus.
I was really impressed with this author’s candor and sensitivity. I, too, was pro-life growing up and into my college years. Then I was raped. If I had gotten pregnant, there is no way I could have carried that pregnancy to term.
The author’s unique angle is the only reason I commented. I never reply to abortion posts. I’m not a pro-choice spokesperson… rather, I just quietly vote for the right to choose.
I’d never terminate a pregnancy unless I were raped again. I was stunned when a co-worker told me about his wife’s 20 week pregnancy and that they were waiting for the AFP results to see if they needed to “do something” about the pregnancy. I was horrified. Selective termination, mid-to-late second trimester abortions and beyond, abortion performed based on diagnostic prenatal tests of questionable accuracy… all icky to me.
With the exception of rape, incest, valid medical concerns for mother or child, nothing about abortion makes me jump for joy. And yet, I can’t put myself in the place to make a decision like that for someone else.
I’ll preface my comment by clearly stating my personal beliefs. I believe that abortion is morally wrong and that it is willfully killing a child. However, I also believe that legal abortion should be available so long as that’s what the majority of the people want — this is a democracy, after all.
There are many things that are legal that I wish were not, and thinks that are illegal that I wish were legal. Changing laws (for moral or human rights or whatever kinds of reasons) needs to be at the will of a people who have, as a society, come to a different view than they had in the past, and not enforced “top down”, as it were.
Anyway. My comment about the article is simply this. If your epiphany that abortion can be okay was in reference to the specific situation of a pregnant woman in hard times… Then why not apply the same logic to born children?
A mom with young children leaves her abusive husband, faces abject poverty and no support and all the same things you describe. Her children are suffering and she is not able to be a good mother to them, perhaps even descends into abuse herself.
So, by the argument of the article, it’s okay for her to kill them (or get a doctor to euthanize them) because it’s just not a good time for her to raise children.
Or, by the argument of one of the comments, it’s in fact BETTER for the kids to be killed, rather than have to face this terrible life.
Of course, if you believe in the “viable” distinction, then these arguments are pointless to you. Abortion must therefore always be morally acceptable whatever the mother’s situation or reasons because the fetus isn’t a ‘real person’ yet anyway. That’s your right to have that opinion, of course.
If, however, you believe that the fetus is something valid on its own, then the logic of terminating a pregnancy because the mother is having a hard time must be extended to born children as well.
Please note that this comment is not intending to state that there are no other valid reasons for abortion. I do believe that there are. I’m just pointing out what I perceive to be a logical fallacy in this particular argument.
Sara, you are still supporting it even though you think it is awful. People throughout history have killed their wives as well, but we certainly don’t support current stonings in light of historical horrors.
I’m sorry to hear of your rape. I hope that you have had people around you to help you heal. That said, I can not support the destruction of any human life, even if that life came into being in a violent manner. The issue of competeing rights still exists after a woman is raped. Though the woman who was raped arguably sacrifices more than the average woman when she continues a pregnancy, the child’s life is of the same worth as any other child.
If we accept rape as a valid indication for abortion, we effectively say that the children conceived of rape are have less intrensic value than those not conceived of rape. To hold a consistent pro-life stance, we must support all life.
Now, I will make an aside to say that being against abortion in all cases but rape and incest is a pro-life stance. Again, I don’t think it is completley solid from an ethical and logical point of view, but it does recognize the basic tennants of pro-life thought. I would be thrilled to see abortions reduced to the point where only the victims of sexual crimes aborted.
Heathet, the problem with our current law regarding abortion is that it was not decided by the rule of the people, but rather by judicial legislation. On top of this, it was decided based on admitted lies on the part of NARAL, and artificial public opinion surveys.
Dr. Bernard Nathanson was a co-founder of NARAL and admits that they blatantly lied to the American people in order to secure legalized abortion.
Furthermore, our laws are not based on the idea of majority rules. Our laws are designed to protect the minority from the majority. In this case, the minorities are clearly being exploited. And on top of all of this, the publics acceptance of abortion is more in line with pro-life thought than pro-choice.
Please stop arguing about live children. This is absolutely not what my blog is about, and if you think it is, please find somewhere else to argue.
Like I said before, and I will say again: I don’t know anyone else’s threshold, and it is not my place to judge what anyone else can handle. Actually (especially if you are religious) it is no one’s place to judge. Ever.
Little L was never a “crisis pregnancy”, because I always had support. Many women do not ever have that support. Whether pregnant or not, whether in a bad situation or not. That’s life. I’ve had it better than most, admittedly.
But please don’t question the “validity” of my growth. And I say growth because I know who I was, where I’ve been, and who I am now. And all roads point to being more open-minded about others’ lives than being judgmental.
My argument is valid in the pure and simple fact that it is *my* story. It is not your story. When it is, I would wholeheartedly agree to reading it.
Yes, I put myself out here to possibly be criticized, but my point–my life experiences–they are as valid as anyone else’s. I lived them. I grew. I changed. And that is my story, like it or not.