Tragically, many fathers are not on board here. Many American fathers view the natural penis with disgust. They see an intact son as being at risk of bullying by other boys, and of sexual rejection by the women he eventually dates. Fathers have told me, when I reveal my intactivist sentiments to them “have it your way, but in that case forget oral sex.” During much of the last century, intact American men were a despised and misunderstood sexual minority. The presence of foreskin was taken as evidence that a male issued from an inferior family of origin. The USA most definitely has a complex and emotionally powerful class system, and the tip of the penis is caught in the maw of that system. “If my son looks like that, people will think we’re hillbillies or Latinos.”

I am a male who has been abused by male relatives of my spouse, acts which my spouse declines to object to in any way. I have brought this abuse to the attention of the authorities and marriage counselors. To date, no one has seen fit to engage with the problem in any way. Marriage counselors and social workers have declined to discuss the matter with me. My cynical conclusion is that violence is something that only happens to women.

Having “followed” you for awhile I am not surprised by your strength and commitment. I applaud your courage in revealing such tough and difficult experiences. It is astounding to realize how no matter what our philosophical beliefs and ideologies how very difficult it can be to identify and respond in our own personal lives — it so complex.

I am very confident that your post will be have an influence on many women and men. I am also a firm believer in the value for you of opening up in this way. I encourage you to continue to share as you proceed in your journey of personal healing and recovery. I am touched deeply by you once again.

I send hugs for you, L, and E.

He currently still has full custody of his 13-yr-old. His younger daughter lives out of state with her mother (different mothers). The boys still visit him. During the protective order hearing, the judge ordered me to allow contact.

We have a tricky custody situation, since he’s not allowed near me. He has to send someone to my city to pick them up and return them. He also cannot have contact with me other than e-mail. (I asked for this in the PO hearing. I’m proud of that one!)

Until custody is set, this is the situation currently.

Thank you all for the love and support I’ve gotten here.

What amazing courage you have, for discussing this so openly and for taking the step to leave and start over again.

Without slighting the rest of what you wrote, I have a gnawing concern: this abusive man is left with daughters in his custody? Are any steps being taken to remove him from contact with his children (and yours?). Or the better question, is that even a possibility? The bottom line is that if he can’t control himself with you, he can’t be trusted with them (especially if you’re no longer there to bear the brunt of his anger).

I’m sad for all involved, but so happy for your new start and new-found peace.

Hugs,

Amy