The Best Helping Hand a Mother Can Have

Recently, we’ve received a lot of information on products claiming to be great parental substitutes to compensate when mothers feel guilty for having to leave their anxious babies. These range from stuffed animals with beating hearts to literally, a stuffed hand called Zaky.

The greatest concern for me personally is that these objects may be misconstrued as a replacement for a live human, and there is not a good alternative to having a consistent mothering person available as often as possible in the first year of a child’s development.

While it may not be possible for a parent to stay home with the child at all times, there are other options:

• If you or your partner cannot afford to take time off of work or work from home to be with your child, you are certainly not alone, but several employers may be willing to work with you to telecommute a couple of days a week. This not only helps reduce the cost of daycare but also give you more time with your new baby.
• Hiring a nanny is the next best option, although it is also expensive to have full time private care. By having one other person fully focused on caring for the baby, the child is allowed to feel merged with the mother and father in the morning and evenings and isn’t jarred when he/she is left in the hands of a familiar nanny, who acts as a stand-in “mothering person.”
• If daycare is the only option for you once your child is old enough, then make sure that you take into account the ratio of daycare helpers to students. A good rule of thumb is three children per day care helper so that you know your child is not being neglected during the day and is getting enough personal attention.

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You may wonder way this is so important? Early research suggests that children who feel merged with their parents and comfortable in their environments (meaning that all of their needs - feeding, cuddling, sleeping, changing) are being met within a reasonable time and well enough) have a heightened capacity for learning. They feel comfortable enough to explore their environment and their own impulses, which is crucial to their development.

When its time, children will choose an inanimate object to comfort them - if you are a parent, I guarantee one of your children has a blankie or special stuffed animal that he/she clings to. This is commonly referred to as a transitional object and usually comes into play once your child is a toddler. In order for an object to be a transitional object and serve its’s purpose as that, your child must choose it and have complete control over it. It is usually a lifelike or soft object, not for example a plastic toy or pacifier.

According to popular theory, the transitional object serves as an outlet for your child to express feelings of love, frustration and anger. It gives him/her the ability to control something when they cannot control the fact that their parents are leaving to go out. The range for a transitional object is usually 9 mos to 8 years old. Once children enter first or second grade, peer pressure typically encourages them to give up the object (of course, I still have my blankie in the closet. So, it doesn’t mean that sentimentality doesn’t keep it around). Children will, however, lose the demand to have to have it to face the world. Once your child develops and chooses his/her own transitional object, allowing them “control” over that object, gives them a healthy outlet for any frustration and anxiety, but pre-selecting an object defeats the purpose.

While you may have the best intentions buying your children substitute comforters, the best way to assuage any childhood anxiety is to try to meet their needs the best that you can given your time restraints and financial limitations. The Zaky may have some excellent credentials behind it, but recall the Harlow Monkey trials, which showed that an inanimate mother (in this case, a stuffed mother with a bottle) was not a good substitute for a real mother. All of the babies nursed on the fake mothers failed to develop a proper capacity for attachment.

Please note that the timelines described above are a general guideline. All children develop at their own pace.

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