When my wife and I had our first baby, I wasn’t so sure about co-sleeping. I read about it in conjunction with attachment parenting, and the idea made sense to me, but the thought of an infant in the bed with us brought up a bunch of different issues. It turns out that most, if not all, of these issues were a result of paying too much attention to the media and not trusting our natural family instincts.
We’ve been co-sleeping with all of our children (not all at the same time- we have a one-out, one-in policy) for almost 11 years now, and I love it. However, I do get asked about it by new dads who are not quite sure that it’s safe or beneficial for the child. “Cloth diapers, I get. Breastfeeding makes sense. Babywearing could work for me. But having an infant in the bed with us? I don’t know…”
Here’s my take on co-sleeping issues.
New Dads and Co-Sleeping: Got Fear?
- “Won’t we roll over on our baby and smother him?” Throw a tennis ball or two in your bed tonight and see if you roll over on one without waking up. The actual number of incidents of babies being accidentally smothered is quite tiny compared to “crib deaths” or other SIDS deaths. For more info, see University of Notre Dame’s Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory.
- “The baby will wake us up more often” The reality is that you and mama will get more sleep if your child is right next to you and not in a crib or another room. Your baby can nurse on-demand, and mama can sleep while she’s nursing. It’s much less disruptive to all of you when your child doesn’t need to cry out for food or comfort; she just roots for the breast and goes back to sleep.
- “What about pee in my bed?” Come on, it’s just pee… But seriously, get a wool soaker pad for under your baby and your sheets will be safe. We made several out of a wool blanket from a military surplus store, and put a baby blanket over it for softness. You can also cut smaller squares for changing pads that fit into a diaper bag easily.
- “How can we be intimate if there’s a child in our bed?” Well now, you’ve got to think outside the box (or outside the bed) on this one. You can regain some lost intimacy or excitement in your marriage by being creative (take a blanket outside under the stars, make a “love nest” elsewhere in your house, or hey, remember the back seat of the car?).
I used to be a little envious of the closeness of mama and baby, but co-sleeping has helped me to be closer with my children. I wake up to the sweet smell of baby’s breath and my child nestled right under my arm. You can’t beat that for bonding. One caveat: As your child gets bigger, little kicking feet are right at the level of the papa parts, so you may need to start facing away from them…
Don’t believe the doubters about co-sleeping. Humans have been co-sleeping for thousands of years; it’s a pretty new idea to put our children in a separate bed. Trust your natural fathering instincts and enjoy the snuggles!
Related Posts: Media Misrepresentation: Cosleeping Blamed for Infant’s Death
More Info:
The Benefits of Co-Sleeping
With mom worn out from the experience, and my daughter crying anytime she was put down, she slept on my chest the first night in the hospital. The OB nurses weren’t thrilled with the arrangement, but when the options were crying in her bassinet in the nursery, crying in the bassinet in our room, our sleeping quietly on daddy, they relented.
I have two children and have co-slept with both of them. It just seemed like the natural thing to do. I couldn’t imagine any breathing body that tiny being in another bed much less room. With both my children, I have been shocked by all the worry filled comments. “You won’t get any sleep”, “That’s terrible for the relationship”, “Aren’t you worried you’ll smother him”, “He’ll have sleeping problems”….on and on until recently “When is that boy going to get his own bed”, “Isn’t he two old to be sleeping with you”(He’s 18 mo.). I can’t express how happy I was to read this article by Derek Markham. Dad’s are often more reticent of the family bed than Mama’s. It is so refreshing to read something on this topic from a Daddy’s perspective. I hope to read more.
We cosleep with our daughter and I think my husband enoys it. I know what you mean about the sweet little baby’s breath! I was wondering if you put baby to bed in your bed? Our little one goes to bed in her crib and then comes into our bed later in the night.
Thanks for the comments!
Yes, we put our little ones to bed with us. Our youngest (almost three) recently got a tiny bed that fits between our bed and the wall, so she’s still able to nurse, yet have her own space.
I am with you all the way on this, but this attachment parenting thing. Why is it we just can’t call it parenting? It is so obvious that the opposite is detachment parenting, and not calling it by that name has given over the power of the word ‘parenting.’ I raised my babies starting in 72, last one born in 88. The changes I saw in that time were wonderful and frightening at the same time. In 72 I was nursing my baby discreetly with a cloth diaper over my breast, now you buy a cloth for it. There are numerous things that are now sold to you young and not-so young parents that you simply don’t need and wont help you connect with your child. And as for going somewhere else to reestablish your relationship with your partner? Well, it isn’t going to ruin the baby to put the baby in a buggy, or nap bed, to get the bed to yourselves. When I was nursing two under 4 the last thing I wanted was to get up from bed and climb into the back seat of the minivan…. And fellas, remember if there is a lot of stress on your partner, she needs her sleep, and will thank you in wonderful ways, eventually, if you let her have it….
old hippie mom with well adjusted grown children, college grads, living simply, and happy.
take what i say in the spirit it is written, with hope, love and a sense of humor.
Hannah: Thanks for your comments!
You make a great point about “detachment” parenting. Oh, the power of words…
It’s great that mothering is an accepted word, but I’m lobbying for fathering to also join the ranks (as opposed to its current usage as in “fathering a child”, as a one-time thing).
The back seat thing was a little tiny joke…
Alright, I am all for the bonding experience.. But as a soon to be mother, Dont you guys wonder if it created a “NEEDY BOND” I’ve seen this alot in my young years. Small children not able to sleep on their own or crying when the parents put them into their own bed.. Is it really creating a massive “bond”? or just the wrong kind of bond? I am very curious on this..
Alright, I am all for the bonding experience.. But as a soon to be mother, Dont you guys wonder if it created a “NEEDY BOND” I’ve seen this alot in my young years. Small children not able to sleep on their own or crying when the parents put them into their own bed.. Is it really creating a massive “bond”? or just the wrong kind of bond? I am very curious on this..
Floy: I think that small children really do need their parents, and that creating the most nurturing and safe space for them is vital. Perhaps when we really listen to what they need, instead of what we want or expect, we’ll find that they cry when left alone because they do need us. And they thrive when we listen.
See: Babies Need Their Mothers Beside Them http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/babies_need.html
As soon as I got my hands on my son when we were alone in the hospital, we fell asleep together. He was nestled on my chest with the bed propped up. The nurses tried to chastise me and said it was an “awful” habit to start. But I knew better.
I kept it up at home as well. Even my Mom tried to discourage it nicely. =P But my instincts said if he and I were sleeping comfortably and soundly there was nothing that needed to be changed.
I hate when experts try to talk you out of something that just feels right. How can they ever know what works for you? Suggestions I can handle. Dictating about how I should parent were huge warning signs.
I was just as “needy” as my son. I can’t explain how comforting it was to have him there beside me. It must have been the same for him because he slept like an angel almost immediately after bringing him home. (It did take a couple days for us to get our days and nights figured out!) He didn’t grow into a clingy toddler at all.
Good for you for doing what works for you and your family! Its also nice to hear so many others do as their hearts tell them.
<3
Z
My son slept with me because he would not sleep unless he was on my chest until he was 5 months old. I was a first time mom and didn’t care that people said I was spoiling him. He slept and so did Momma. This is good. He is 8 years old, happily sleeps in his own room on his top bunk all by himself. He is not a momma’s boy or any other derogatory name for a child that is loving & loved by his parent.
My daughter slept in bed with me because, as you said, I did not even have to wake up to feed her. I slept with my breasts bare and she would root around and nurse herself. It became my habit to switch sides (and the baby too) after each feeding so she was nursing equally on each breast. I did not even wake up to do this…it was so natural for us. Co-sleeping is amazing & lessens so much stress for everybody involved. Thank you for giving us the dads view. 🙂
Bravo! We co-sleep even though the crib is flushed next to our bed with a toddler rail over it. She never seems to make it to her crib at night. 🙂 One thing I do want to mention is that if you have drank one too many; it might be better to put the baby someplace safe rather than co-sleep. I have been reading stories where babies suffocated due to rollover where the parent was intoxicated or on drugs. I doubt that someone who reads ECP would do those things but just throught it should be out there.
Good point, Susie.
If you’re gonna get loaded, you probably shouldn’t put your precious in bed with you…
My daughter is adopted, so I read as much as I could about attachment. It’s funny, I had never even thought about bio-parents needing to do this, but of course you do.
Now, she is four years old (came to us at 8 months) and I can say that the one of the things that made the most difference was co-sleeping. It’s just a special thing for parents and children.
Another great technique was carrying her in a wrap. With a sling/wrap, I could keep her close to me, all the time. My hands were free, and I could do the tasks of daily life with her, talking or singing to her and being close.
One more thing that made a huge difference was skin-to-skin contact by swimming together, or even just wearing sleeveless shirts and shorts.
As an adoptive parent, I didn’t fall in love with my daughter in utero, she grew in my heart, not under it. But it’s the strongest love, I’ve ever known and it’s grown through “attachment” parenting techniques.
At first we hadn’t even considered co-sleeping. I had bought a small bassinet to put beside the bed for when our baby was little and I bought a hand me down crib from a family member, complete with a sheet set bought on ebay. It has never been used. From the moment our daughter was 3 months old, she has been sleeping between us. I will be blunt here and say that neither her daddy nor I am…very…small in size and we’ve never had any issues. I get compliments all the time on how happy she is, almost always unless it’s near her bedtime when she tends to get a bit cranky.
Here’s my take on it: you have a tiny human being who is completely dependant on you for everything from changing its diaper to feeding it, clothing it, etc. Yet, you expect this tiny child to feel perfectly safe in a room, far away from you in a bed with bars where it can’t get out and can only cry (which means he/she is already upset) in order to get someone/anyone’s attention? I wonder, honestly, what kind of message this sends to the young child’s psyche.
Co-sleeping has been a wonderful experience. I love waking up to see my child’s smiling face every morning with her brilliant “morning mommy!” and our cuddling afterward. How could you not want that too?
I love co-sleeping except when I’m pregnant. Then I sleep better when I can roll all over the place trying to get comfortable so I kinda need more space. But when I’m not I love it. Out of all my children I’ve only had one that was trouble in bed. She would toss and turn all night long, rolling all over the entire bed, using me and dh and all our body parts for pillows. Oh goodness, I admit, I couldn’t handle it. Put her in her own bed and she slept ‘like a baby’. Maybe she didn’t like my mattress? idk but the rest of them have been pretty sound sleepers and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.