Those of us who proclaim ourselves as natural parents are also advocates of attachment parenting. But what about our partners? Do we practice adult attachment?
A new book written by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. explores relationships. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love is perfect for couples and singles to reflect upon this Valentine’s Day, if they so desire to examine their behaviors. The premise of this book is that by identifying your attachment style, as well as that of your mate, and understanding how it affects your relationship, you will be able to build a sustainable life together.
In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
- Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
- Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
- Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
Which attachment style are you? I confess that I can think of one time or another that I have been all three!
There are actual quizzes with score guides to help you determine your attachment style. They remind me of the kind often found in women’s magazines.
Would I buy this book? No. I am not into relationship books. When I read, I read for please, not advice. I like to get my advice from real humans in a real conversation.
I suppose if I had trouble in a relationship or even establishing a relationship, this book would be very helpful. I have been with the same partner for almost 21 years. We have two children together. If we start digging into attachment styles, who knows what could happen? Might we try to change one another?
My relationship advice is to accept who you love for who they are, do not try to change them into who you want them to be. You can change yourself, which a book like this is helpful for doing, but you have to want to change. You can’t change other people.
Reading parts of this book, I could relate and felt it was describing myself at moments. This only made me anxious and defensive. If we are happy in our relationship, why stir things up?
If I was in a relationship that was ending, and I wanted to save it, this book could be useful for understanding my behavior, as well as my partner’s. But both people want to save it, and in my recent experience with friends, that isn’t always the case. I guess understanding your attachment style would help prevent you from making the same mistakes in future relationships or seeking a mate with the appropriate style; however, I really think your style changes depending on the relationship.
I agree we need to practice adult attachment in a manner similar to attachment parenting, but I don’t really think this book draws the same parallels. It is what I had hoped from the title. Instead, I feel like I am on a talk show when I read the examples.
Disclosure: The products described above were sent to us as free samples. Prior assurances as to the nature of the reviews, whether positive or negative, were not given. No financial payments were accepted in exchange for the reviews. The reviews reflect our honest, authentic opinions.
Bad Marriage Help says
Perhaps identifying your attachment style and that of your partner is one of the best ways to a sustainable relationship. Practice adult attachment and build a sustainable life together.