From Pro-Life Feminist to Pro-Choice Mama: My Change in Beliefs
(Ready, Cate? 1. Open can of worms. 2. Dump on head.)
NPR recently reported that in some Planned Parenthood clinics, the abortion rate is up.
We’ve seen some people who said that they didn’t really think that they would ever be making this decision, but recognize that this is a time when they have to think about taking care of the families that they have.
I’ve mentioned my mama before around here. She’s the home-birthin’, articulate and soft-spoken, intelligent and wonderful mother of 6 girls. Six vocal girls.
She raised me and my sisters to be pro-life feminists. Then, when I was pregnant with my first child, I became pro-choice.
Here’s why.
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Birth is natural. Our bodies were meant to do this.
Don’t let the men of the world tell you or show you that what your body was made to do is wrong. You’re just feeding in to their chauvinism.
Men have somehow convinced women to avoid what their body naturally does. That is, carry babies and give birth. Now women are even standing up for abortion and turning away from themselves.
Ever wonder if “pro-life feminism” is an oxymoron? The way my mom taught us, it is most certainly not. She’s a religious woman, but [thankfully] never forced us into church pews any more than she forced us to agree with her beliefs. She also didn’t believe that “God punishes all women for what Eve did with the pains of childbirth.” Because frankly, natural childbirth wasn’t all that bad. (And in my experience, it’s the worst pain you’ll ever forget…quickly.) Women’s bodies were, instead, wonderfully designed to do this amazing thing: grow and provide for a baby, and then give birth.
Don’t let them take that away from you! Don’t let society tell you that it’s wrong! Don’t let them make you feel that children are an “inconvenience.”
I very much believed that, once even going so far as to write a letter to Ms. Magazine asking them to examine “Pro-Life Feminism” (they refused).
But I still agree with that. As the mother of two boys and stepmother to two girls, I believe in birth and life. But it’s just not that simple.
When I was pregnant with Little L, my older son, I left his father. After catching him with another woman (on my birthday, no less) and discovering an increasingly horrible drug problem, I called off our engagement and moved out. And once I realized that the drugs were creating violence in him, I completely cut off contact with him, even though that meant losing out on a relationship with his then-3-year-old son, who I’d cared for 4-5 days a week for two years. It was a hard choice, but my priority was keeping myself and my unborn child safe.
During my transition from engaged woman to single mama, I had a handful of awesome women to support me. When I left Little L’s father, I moved in with a dear friend, who happens to be a bit younger than my mom. Two of my sisters lived here in Virginia (the rest of my family is in the Chicago ‘burbs) and were always around. I had my natural midwife, who very holistically asked me about my mental state and how I was adjusting every time I visited her. When I started to have “cramps” from the stress of the changes, I began to see a therapist, also a woman. I rented a house and moved in with another single mother and her young daughter. I became friends with the Pastry Chef at the resort hotel where I worked, who admired my supposed “strength” and was endlessly encouraging. Every time I needed someone to talk to, there was someone there. To help, to listen. I could pick up the phone and vent to any sister, and when I didn’t, they’d call me.
I was going to be a mother. Alone, which I had not planned. But everywhere I turned, I had support.
I know it sounds contradictory: “keeping my unborn child safe”, while becoming pro-choice. It happened out of nowhere, and was a surprise to even me.
At some point, I realized that most women don’t have to be thrown against a wall during pregnancy. Most don’t have a table thrown at them and duck while covering the belly. Of course, as a feisty feminist, I knew this was not “normal” and got out before it became regular behavior.
But I also knew that most women do not have the support network that I had at hand. Most women overall, not just pregnant women in bad situations. If another woman were in my situation, pregnant, how could I ask her to carry the child? That was my choice, yes. But would my choice be different if I had no one?
I felt Little L move very early for a first pregnancy (12 weeks). I am thankful for him every day. I was thankful for him every day that I was a single mom, too. No matter how I struggled at times. But Little L and I had incredible people in our lives. People who babysat for free so I could work. People who bought us loads of clothes or sent us Whole Foods gift cards. People who thought about what we needed and gave and gave and gave, without us ever asking.
Most women—most poor families—do not have that.
How can we ask women to stay safe, protect the children they have, and leave a bad relationship without support? How can policymakers simultaneously rail against abortion while cutting funding for food stamps or TANF or proposing “welfare reform”?
I don’t think we as a society can. Look critically at your beliefs, especially if you don’t agree with me. Work hard to provide for the life around you. Work to help those with less. Especially in this economy.
If you are against abortion, ensure that the multitudes of poor women have other choices. Until there is justice and support for them, abortion must be one of those choices.
Image: Steve Rhodes on Flickr under a Creative Commons License.
Great article! Abortion is not for me but I would never tell another woman what she has to do.
I, too became a single Mama while pregnant. I had been a full time stay at home Mom… I had a toddler and a preschooler. I was going to school part-time and had no real skills to support myself and my children. I left an abusive 6 year marriage.
That third baby gave me the strength to get out… I knew I didn’t want to bring another child into that marriage. I never for a minute considered abortion. I was poor. I struggled. We lived in a tiny apartment with only meager financial aide from school for the first 6 months of my child’s life. I had NO help or support from my family. I do not regret one single moment. I could not fathom making the decision to take my child’s life because we had been thrown a curve ball.
A child is alive from the moment of conception. Many states have laws that protect an unborn baby from everyone except its Mother. Why is it that if someone else causes harm to that unborn baby they can face murder charges and yet, a mother and doctor can choose to kill the child and it’s considered ok?
Yes, our society needs to improve the support methods available to low income families, but saying that choosing abortion is acceptable if you are poor or in traumatic circumstances isn’t the answer.
Abortion certainly isn’t a women’s right issue… a true feminist should definitely stand against killing our children (many of which are future women being terminated because of sex selection). Susan B. Anthony was one of our great “feminists”. She stood for women’s right when we couldn’t even vote. Susan B. Anthony called abortion, “Child Murder”. (Susan B. Anthony, The Revolution, July 8, 1969).
Did you know that the most Pro-Choice (or IMO, Pro Abortion) group in the United States are MEN (white males aged 20-45, Willke “Women’s Movement” and Condon “You Say Choice”). That’s right, it’s not a feminist issue… it is about the decisions men are making for us and our unborn children.
“Many people say, ‘I’m not pro-abortion, but I’m pro-choice.’ But how would you respond to someone who said, ‘I’m not pro-rape, I’m just pro-choice about rape.’? You’d realize that his position implies that rape doesn’t really hurt anyone, and that it’s sometimes justifiable. You’d say, ‘To be pro-choice about rape is to be pro-rape.’ In exactly the same way, to be pro-choice about abortion is to be pro-abortion.” -Randy Alcorn (Why Pro-Life? pg. 94)
Abortion is a difficult decision to make because we know its inherently wrong. This is one of those clear-cut issues. Abortion = purposeful death of a child.
Having an abortion doesn’t prevent you from becoming a mother, it makes you a mother of a dead child.
Ditto to Jamie Ervin’s comments. I can’t tell if this article was written in complete ignorance of ADOPTION or if it was just more convenient to leave that out.
That’s what adoption is for! A woman’s choice is whether or not to have a sexual relationship, not to kill the baby who is the result of her bad choice. Abortion IS a clear cut issue though I think many choose to deny that because it’s hard.
I guess the writer of this article seems to think it’s either cool or popular to take such an “edgy” point-of-view and the last part was especially confusing. Since when do we encourage women to make a wrong choice because their government isn’t supporting them well enough to make the right choice? I’m not sure what that’s called-some kind of twisted Socialism? Communism? Whatever, it’s scary.
The life of an unborn child is precious, life begins at conception, and abortion is wrong. I don’t believe it’s that simple, I KNOW it is.
Actually, being raised a pro-life feminist indeed made me quite aware of adoption. That should definitely be one of many options available.
From my own experience, it is most certainly NOT always a woman’s choice to have a sexual relationship.
As for the reasons I mention the government: the government legislates our access to not just abortion, but care providers are even allowed to deny women birth control. They push “abstinence-only education”, which has clearly failed, as the teen pregnancy rate has risen over the past few years.
(http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/05/AR2007120501208.html)
We are told by the pro-life community and legislators, “Have the child, have the child, have the child,” but offer no help or hope for those who cannot fathom feeding and clothing another child. Then, don’t forget, we look down our noses at those who turn to welfare for help. God forbid we help the poor. Wait–the God I’ve heard of would never forbid such a thing. Cute buzz word, there: “Socialism.” I remember when it used to be called, “Christianity” or “compassion.” Go figure. Rush Limbaugh says it enough and it’s part of the American vernacular.
I am blessed to have my boys and would never make a different choice but them. I’m so good at birthing that I would happily do it instead of someone who could not. But my personal experience taught me this: I don’t know anyone else’s threshold. And I cannot and should not judge them for the decisions they must make.
Perhaps those who feel so passionately about the life of the unborn could turn your considerable energy to helping out at clinics in low-income neighborhoods to ensure that these women and babies have the best possible chance for survival and have the health care that we take for granted.
As a side note, I don’t feel this is an “edgy” stance. I’ve been thinking it through and discussing it with my [open-minded and thoughtful] family for a few years now. They are respectful of my beliefs, and I theirs.
So, is it only poor women who don’t have support? Can rich women or middle class woman have the same issues as a poor woman?
Sure rich or even middle class woman may have more $$ for support but I think what your talking about is mental support.
Rich, middle or poor woman can all have the same issues and I think you are singling out a certain income with your views.
Perhaps those who feel so passionately about the life of the unborn could turn your considerable energy to helping out at clinics in low-income neighborhoods to ensure that these women and babies have the best possible chance for survival and have the health care that we take for granted.
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A lot of people who respond to these types of blogs ARE active in the pro-life community. I know I am!
This is a great post, admittedly because it speaks to my heart. I, too, held to the anti-access position of pro-life feminism. However, for several reasons, I now support legal access to abortion.
My reasons include a religious faith that permits abortion for health and life, necessitating legalization by default. Also, I finally understood how it is that a pregnancy, as it affects a woman’s very body, health, and life, can result in the denial of the woman’s right to autonomy if the fetus is given legal standing.
Each person must be convinced in his or her own mind. Having seen it from both sides, I pray we can keep the humanity of women in focus, and doing so will positively impact more lives than anything else.
Before pro-lifers throw out adoption as the answer to all problems, perhaps reading this blog would be instructive: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html. Adoption is but one choice, and it can be a bad one.
Kudos to you, Cate, for speaking your mind on a very controversial issue. Isn’t it amazing how having children can change us?
Krystal, I am sorry if I singled out a certain socioeconomic status for this post. Being from that status when I went through the change in belief, that was the only place I felt comfortable to speak from.
Of course women all across the spectrum are missing out on the so-needed support of other women and family members: of community.
I also hope that by “active in the pro-life community” you mean “serve the community with my goodness” like so many of my pro-life family members do. (Crisis pregnancy centers do count!…though I don’t want to be prayed with when I take a pregnancy test!)
Thank you so much Trish and Zahevti for your wonderful, open comments. When the critters lay down, I’ll take some time to savor that blog. The first few lines had me hooked.
I used to be one of those wishy-washy types who was “personally against abortion but don’t want to impose my beliefs on others”. Then I got pregnant and saw my oldest on a first trimester ultrasound. She was a beautiful little baby with a beating heart. In that instant, my views on abortion changed. I realized that it wasn’t about a woman’s autonomy but about violence against a defenseless human life. And I needed to speak out against this grave evil in our society.
There are 42 families waiting in this country to adopt every healthy infant given up for adoption. My heart goes out to women facing a crisis pregnancy. But they need real support, not the false hope offered by the abortion industry.