Ever wonder why the average new parent runs out to buy a huge SUV for the new family? It’s not to carry the baby, babies are pretty small. It’s for all the STUFF. An endless variety of unnecessary stuff that is marketed to you as a parent. I’ve survived the baby year.
Here’s a few tips on gear you (and the land fill) won’t miss later:
- The Nursury Sanitizer. Because that binky isn’t going to hit the floor every five seconds, anyway. Go ahead, spend $59.95 and drive yourself crazy trying to keep everything “clean.” That sucker’s going in the closet after about a week of reality.
- The $36 designer potty stool. The first user review says it all; “Won’t work for boys. By Mother of Twins.”
- $24.95 on a tub “bumper.” What, are you going to leave them alone in there? You’re not four inches away? I know. I know. I considered the full body foam protective suit with matching crash helmet, but the useless baby gadget inventors haven’t gotten around to that one yet.
- Shampoo rinse cup. Only $8.95 for a plastic pitcher. Wow. Bargain.
- A cross-shoulder strap that lets you strap on that really heavy car seat/carrier AND your child both. Your hands will be free, and your chiropractor will be rich.
- Okay, I bought one of these “Baby Safe Feeders.” It’s this mesh net attached to a handle like a huge binky. You give it to the kid so she can gnaw away at the food, but never actually get to eat it. Sounds like an eating disorder in the making. I never got it out of the packaging.
- Oh, my favorite! The stay-put bowl and cutlery set. You suction cup these to the table so your kiddo doesn’t swipe them off the table. Nice in theory. What actually happens is your child pulls and pulls and pulls at this thing until the suction cup gives way, and WHOOSH! Spaghetti-O’s all over the wall. I still have them on there years later. Stellar product, yours for $12.95. Interior paint and labor extra.
- On the other end of the scale, an actual baby gift we received: The Tiffany china bowl, plate and cup set. China. Tiffany. Yeah.
- The jar holder. $7.95 for a suction cup to hold the baby food jar to the table. Hmm. The reviewer says she uses it to keep her baby from swiping the jar off the table. Okay, their arms aren’t that long. Maybe if you just moved it a bit farther away? Nope, farther, almost, there!
- The electric Wipe Warmer. Okay, so maybe my kiddo will have to work out the whole cold wipe thing in therapy later. But $24.95? And electric?
- The Wee Block. Not that putting a diaper over the boy parts isn’t a good idea for your own well-being. But, it’s $12.95 for a friggin’ sponge. That gets peed on.
- I can’t do this one justice with my own description. The Baby Care Timer. “For sleep-deprived new parents, it’s hard remembering when you did what — but not with our clever time manager! Forget about journaling; with the press of a button, the itzbeen displays the time since baby’s last feeding, diaper change, nap, and more. You can even set audible reminders for yourself!”It’s got more buttons and displays on it than the cell phone I’ve had for a year and still can’t work. And I’m supposed to figure this out sleep deprived? I couldn’t even figure out the fridge door then. $24.95. Batteries, of course, sold separately.
[This post was written by Beth Bader.]